MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE STRONG

Karen and I just finished a six-week small group based on the book, The Love Dare. We cleverly called the group “The Love Dare Group.” Sometimes it is just hard for us to contain all this creativity.

Anyway, we really enjoyed spending a couple of hours each Sunday night with this group of married couples. Each week we would discuss some aspect of the material that we had all (at least in theory) read during the week, and also bring in some other materials designed to encourage strong marriages. All of this led to a lot of time thinking about the various marriages, both good and bad, that we have known through the years. Having been in full-time ministry for nearly 21 years now, we have peeked behind the scenes of a lot of relationships. We have seen the good the bad and the ugly, and there are some things that have just stood out as key elements in strong and lasting marriages. Here are a few things we have noticed:

In so many cases, the difference between a strong and lasting marriage, and one that implodes, can be summarized in one word – priorities. The couples with good marriages consistently prioritized their marriage above everything but their personal relationship with Christ. That meant that if something, anything, else was taking too much time, or focus, or in some way eating away at the relationship, they got rid of the other thing.

These couples would change jobs if the job was going to cause them to be separated for too long. They often chose hobbies and recreation that both of them enjoyed so they could have that time together. They were very, very careful about outside relationships. They guarded themselves against any relationship with the opposite sex that could become too close, and they just didn’t hang out with people that were trying to put ungodly/unbiblical, ideas about marriage, or anything else, into their heads – they chose their friends wisely.

Most of these couples had children, and although the raising of their children was one of their top priorities, (most of these kids are now adults who are married and walking with God) they were very careful not to create child-centered homes. In other words, they always made some time for just Mom and Dad to be alone together. This more than anything else, demonstrated to their kids how important their parent’s relationship was. These kids knew without a doubt that they were loved, but they also knew that the marriage relationship was the central relationship of the home. I think that knowledge is what made so many of these kids so secure in themselves.

In every case, these couples prioritized their relationship with a local church. In fact, one middle-aged couple I know told me recently that if they had to think of just one thing that made their marriage and child rearing so successful, it would be their 20 years of simple, steady, participation in a good local church. They just went every Sunday and every Tuesday night, week after week, year after year. The presence of God, the steady teaching of His Word, and the influence of other believers, brought unshakable strength to their lives.

Good marriages are not rocket science, they are not a matter of luck, and they are not just the result of finding that perfect mate who will never irritate you. Healthy marriages are the result of the steady application good, Godly, common sense principles. So I encourage you, whether you are currently married or not, build strong foundations in your life, and be intentional about building and protecting your marriage.

LIFE-SOAKED

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it (Isaiah 55:10, 11).

This morning, what the NWS calls a "vigorous early spring storm," is dumping several inches of snow on Gunnison County. Currently I have about 5 inches on the deck, and it is coming down hard in big wet flakes. This snow won't stay long. It will melt quickly when the vigorous early spring sun returns. But every square inch of the ground will be soaked with the moisture contained in that snow. In a few days or weeks, all kinds of vegetation will begin to show the signs of new life. Eventually, the land will be covered with an almost unimaginable profusion of grasses and wildflowers that mark a western Colorado summer.

God revealed to Isaiah that His word works the very same way in our hearts. The Bible encourages believers to take some time every morning, before the thoughts and cares of the new day even have a chance to crowd our minds, to read and meditate on a little bit of God's word. That word, invisibly, and often imperceptibly, soaks our inner man with the life of God. That word, whether we can feel it at the time or not, acts upon our hearts just as surely as that snow outside is making the ground wet. The word cleanses, refreshes, rejuvenates, and redirects our hearts.

I believe that consistently taking just a little time early in the day to soak in the life of God through His word, His presence, and some two-way communication, is the single greatest key to living a long, healthy, stable, Godly life. Go ahead, let His life soak in today. You will never be the same.

GOD'S UNREASONABLE LOVE

God’s love is so unreasonable. I have been thinking about the parable of the prodigal son, found in Luke 15, for a couple of months now. This is one of those passages that many of us are so familiar with, and have heard preached so many times, that it is easy to read through it without gleaning any new insights.

Back in January, this story suddenly began to speak volumes to me again. Some of the truths are the same ones that have impacted my heart in the past – the unconditional love of the father, his unabashed joy at the return of his son, the sense that with God every transgression is forgivable when we come back to Him through sincere repentance. But a few new revelations have surfaced from this story. I won’t write about all of them here, but I will begin to talk about them this Sunday. One of them is found in a line that I have often simply read over: “The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them” (Luke 15:12).

This Father had the power to withhold the son’s inheritance if he wanted to. Obviously, since this is the younger son and not the elder, the father had already told him at some point that he was going to inherit a share of the estate. That wasn’t always the case. The norm was for everything to go to the oldest boy, and for that boy to have the power to share or not with his siblings. But, even though the father had at some point promised the younger son a share, certainly he would have been justified, given this brazen display of disrespect and plain foolishness, to withhold the inheritance. He wouldn’t even have to do it out of spite; it could be the best tool at his disposal for influencing the boy to change his mind about leaving the family.

How many of us would have tried to coerce, or manipulate the younger son into staying home and doing his chores? He could have been spared a lot of anguish if the father would have simply forced him to do the right thing. Why didn’t the father take that action? I believe it is because this father knew that you can force or manipulate behavior, but not relationship. It is the very same reason that God does not always intervene in the affairs of men on earth. It is why He has chosen to allow us to make both good and bad choices, even though those choices often cause pain on earth and in Heaven. God loves relationship, and relationship must be freely chosen.

Certainly love will confront, correct, discuss, encourage, and pray, but it is important for us to know where loving confrontation ends, and manipulation and coercion begin. The Father, in love, let this son have the space to make a mistake, which led to him having the space to choose to return forever; something to think about, and something to pray about. “Holy Spirit, we need your wisdom daily to walk that line.”

IMAGE COMMUNICATES OWNERSHIP

Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are. Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?” But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? Show me the coin used for paying the tax.” They brought him a denarius, and he asked them, “Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?” “Caesar’s,” they replied. Then he said to them, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” (Matthew 22:15-21)

I love to read about these exchanges between Jesus and His opponents. They really thought they had Him on this one because Rome was clearly not using their funds to establish the Kingdom of God on earth. They were in fact using their resources to dominate the world, and closer to home, to keep Israel subject to their rule. To say that you should pay taxes to Rome, was to say that you should support a Godless agenda – hmmm, sounds familiar. But, Jesus did not tell the Pharisees to withhold their tax money from their Roman oppressors. He essentially turned the question inside out and told the Pharisees to keep their priorities straight – give to God what belongs to Him, and don’t worry so much about the non-eternal matters. With April 15th just around the corner, I will leave you to prayerfully sort through both your attitude and your conscience where your taxes are concerned. Actually, the tax issue is not at all what I wanted to address out of this passage today.

Instead, I want to point out a subtle truth that is communicated in these verses. Jesus answers the question with a question, as was often His habit. He said, “Show me the money!” (my paraphrase), and then, “Whose image is this?” Everyone there agreed that on the coin was a picture of Caesar. Jesus rightly pointed out that the image that the coin carried identified its rightful owner. Did you get that? Image communicates ownership. The logical argument was that since Caesar’s picture was on the coin, the coin obviously belonged to Caesar. Because the coin belonged to Caesar, only Caesar had the right to say what you could do with it. So give it to Caesar, but be sure that you also give to God what belongs to Him.

I don’t know about you, but that makes me wonder what belongs to God. According to this passage, what belongs to God must carry His image. What is the only thing on this earth that is made in His image and His likeness? You and I. Isn’t that amazing! We are made in God’s image, and according to the logic of what Jesus said in Matthew 22, that means that we belong to Him. God and God alone has a rightful claim on our lives. When Jesus said give to God what belongs to God, He didn’t just mean a portion of your income such as the coin represented. He meant give to God that which carries His image; you – all of you.

The Bible says that we are bought with a price and we are not our own. We belong to Him. Our time, our money, our dreams, our relationships; it all belongs to Him. As we give ourselves to Him afresh each day, we have the priceless privilege of being the image bearers of God in our generation. Wow! What does that say about your worth, your value, and your destiny? You are His and His alone. In His plan for your life you will find the freedom, the meaning, and the satisfaction that your heart seeks. So, render to Caesar what belongs to him, it’s no big deal. But render to God what belongs to Him – that is the biggest deal of all.

SEEDS OF A BRAND NEW LIFE

"(Mark 4:26-29) He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces corn--first the stalk, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

I have been thinking a lot about seedtime and harvest lately. This is one of those Biblical principles that is so foundational that it affects virtually everything we do. Everyday we are sowing seeds with our words and actions – some intentional, some accidental – but all powerful.

Seeds are nothing less than miraculous little containers of life. God established a principle during creation that says that every seed on earth will produce after its own kind. That means that the fruit of the seed will be a form of the life that is in the seed, which in turn means it is a form of the life that produced the seed. So apples (fruit) carry apple seeds. Apple seeds produce apple trees (life) which can’t produce anything other than, you guessed it, apples. The same is true of love seeds, and faith seeds, and generosity seeds, as well as hate seeds, and bitterness seeds, and greed seeds – which also happens to rhyme.

We are living in a time in this nation where seeds of rebellion, disdain for authority, reckless selfishness, and rejection of God, are really starting to produce their inevitable crop. We are feeling the loss of God and godliness on an unprecedented level in our culture and economy. This is one reason that I don’t believe a true “recovery” can come quickly. Some foundations in the fear of God, and a fresh application of the Word of God to our lives, will have to precede any genuine change in our nation.

Be that as it may, I want to focus closer to home for the remainder of this post. In the verses from Mark’s Gospel that are quoted above, Jesus made it clear that if we want to see a harvest of any particular fruit in our lives, we must become very diligent about planting the right seeds. We will be planting something, so it may as well be the right things. We are going to eat of the fruit of whatever we plant. So, what do you want to be eating in six months, or a year, or two years?

Jesus also pointed out that there is always a time element involved in this process. That means a couple of important things. First, you don’t get everything you want instantly. In fact, most truly great things take time to came to maturity and require patience on our part. Secondly, we can use the “due season” element of seedtime and harvest to our advantage or to our disadvantage. If you have been planting bad seed, use the time-lag to dig as much of it up as you can through genuine repentance. If you have been planting good seed, water and nurture that seed through prayer and fight the weeds that inevitably try to choke out what you are planting.

Finally, Galatians 6:9, 10 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” So develop a never quit attitude about your life. The term “become weary” means, to get tired, faint, give up, quit – essentially to wimp out. Don’t let your current crop make you think that it is all you will ever see. Don’t give up because you don’t like what you have now. Get to work with God and plant a new crop. Sitting in the field crying isn’t getting you any closer to that new harvest is it? If you don’t like your harvest, start today; dig up that soil, plant new seed, and watch patiently and vigilantly, as it grows into something fresh and new. Before you know it, new things, living things, things that will reproduce themselves again and again will be popping up in your life. Then we can talk about your new, increased responsibilities that are related to all the new growth in your life.

THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE

I wrote this article for another blog that is connected to a small group that Karen and I are leading right now based on the book, The Love Dare. I thought it was also applicable to a wider audience, so I am sharing it here. If you want to look in on The Love Dare blog, you can find it at - http://lovedaregroup.blogspot.com/

As I sit staring at this screen, I am not at all sure that I will be able to put what I am feeling into words. I remember thinking about this the first time I read today’s dare, # 16, Love Promotes Intimacy. There is something about the love and acceptance that comes from only your spouse, that gives you the security and courage to be all that God has designed you to be. I'm not saying a single person can't get there, because that is absolutely not true, but there is something about that safe place of intimacy, the place where someone sees the good and the bad in you but still loves you and believes in you, that enables you to change for the better.

When I met Karen (as an adult, we had known each other as kids), I was in my early 20's, had been born again, but was not really walking with God. I was wrapped up in hang gliding culture, which was a very self-centered and all consuming lifestyle. I had always wanted a relationship with just one woman. I was never interested in dating a lot of girls, I was just made to be a one woman man. Don't get me wrong, I wanted lots of girls physically, but what I craved on the deepest level, I now know was intimacy with just one. Luckily, I was such a klutz with women, that I was rejected by nearly every girl I ever pursued. I wasn't glad then, but I am now.

All that rejection had really shaped a lot of how I perceived myself. I thought I was ugly, (some of you may agree) unlovable, and destined for eternal singleness. I was good at some things, flying, my job, I had good friends, I wasn't stupid and could pick up about anything I decided to learn, but deep inside I felt like a reject. Then Karen came into my life. Her love and acceptance completely transformed me. It was like the good qualities that were in me became stronger, and I had a new confidence to address the things that needed to change.

With her, I could be completely myself. See, that is what I did with everyone anyway. I have never been any good at faking it, or playing social games - that's why I was such a dating failure, I just couldn't stand the whole game, it made me sick. Hence I was just myself from the first moment, and that drove women off like crazy. But where the others rejected the real me, Karen loved the real me. It wasn't that she embraced or encouraged the negative things in me, but she loved me anyway. She didn't nag me and set out to reshape me into what she thought I should be. She knew that it was God’s role, not hers, to change me, but her love simply made me want to be more of a strong and Godly man. I could fail and she loved me anyway. She actually believed in me, and that was the most empowering (I hate that word) thing I have ever experienced apart from the presence of God himself.

I am saying all of this today for two reasons. One is that the process I am describing is exactly how the revelation of God's unconditional love and acceptance for us works. It creates a place of total acceptance (not to be confused with approval of all our behavior) that enables us and empowers us to embrace the transforming work of the Holy Spirit. His love is a safe place in which to be challenged to grow and change. The kind of acceptance I am talking about, never becomes an excuse to stay in our sin, or accept our own shortcomings. It just provides a crucible of safety in which the dross of our old nature can be slowly but surely purged.

Secondly, I want all you wives to know that your love for your husband can be one of the most powerful tools of transformation in his life. Your love brings an inner courage to stand up and face any enemy (even those in his own heart) to overcome any challenge, to do anything in the world that needs doing, and to lay his life down for you and your family.

The world will tell you this kind of loving acceptance is feeding his ego, it's not that at all. Again, I am at a loss for words to tell you how it feels to be a man who knows the love of a wise and Godly woman. But it changed my life. When I say that I could not possibly be who I am today without Karen, I mean it with all my heart. I still have loads of problems, and will always need to grow toward Godliness like everyone, but I have the advantage of doing it in the safe place of intimacy with my wife.

I think this works both ways, although I have to write it from a husband’s perspective. There is a wisdom for all of us to learn about how to love people, particularly those of our own household, into greater and greater displays of Godliness, and God’s purposes for their lives.

WORSHIP NIGHT

Tonight is one of our monthly Worship Nights. This is a time when we get together for a couple of hours to just worship and press into the presence of God. We come with no real agenda other than ministering to the Lord, and allowing Him to minister to us in any way He wants to minister. Each of these nights has a different flavor. Some are more rowdy, some more quiet, but each and every time, the Lord shows up in a powerful way. We almost always spend some time flowing in the gifts of the Spirit.

While we always have wonderful worship on Sunday mornings, I think these nights are different because there is no time limit. We just begin, and we stay as long as it seems to us that God is still ministering. I love it. It is always like taking a big, refreshing drink of water. Where ever you are right now, what ever you might be doing, I hope that from time to time you take the opportunity to simply soak God's presence. There is nothing quite like it.